Monday, October 3, 2011

I dunno...

I have this weird thing I do when someone asks me a question that I do not have the answer to, I tell them, “I dunno.”  The funny part is that it actually sounds more like, “ I-Uhh-no” which has become a running joke at work, others mimic it in jest and we all have a good laugh at my pseudo teenage/hillbilly vocabulary.  

The problem is…

I really don’t know what to do.  

It is a sad state of affairs really.  I have recently been convicted that there needs to be more done in my community to reach out to those who have never known, felt, or experienced the love of God.  They may have heard messages from someone behind a pulpit at one point in their lives, or have heard some form of God’s love on television, but have they truly experienced that love.  The same kind of love that led Jesus to go outside the city to be with the crippled and sick, the same kind of love that led Christ to go outside the normal comfort zone of His time and spend time with those much different than Himself.  

I want to do that. 

I am realizing I have no clue HOW to do that.

My biggest fight is my schedule.  Sure there is the want to, the motivation, the drive to make it happen mixed in there as well, but I feel as though I am so busy just about every day of my life that I don’t know how to make time to love on the unloved.

I think that is some sort of sickness.

When I do have any time, I am so tired or run down that I just need time to relax…and I understand there is nothing wrong with that, but I just want more.

I guess what it comes down to is, when I leave this earth I don’t want the best thing that can be said about me is that I preached a good sermon, or was a sweet or kind person, or I was really good at my job.  Those things are great, but not the whole of what I want.  I want lives to be changed because of what God does through me, and it isn’t that He isn’t doing that, but I think He wants to do more.  The question is… will I let Him?  Or will I continue to flail about in the way that I know because I am too afraid of taking (what I perceive as) a chance.

Busy-ness is not the legacy I want to leave behind.    
I want to leave a legacy of love that spreads.  

We have the opportunity to leave a legacy that is very temporary and will fade in a short amount of time, or we can continue to be a part of a legacy that is eternal.  I guess I have just been evaluating where I am on that scale and see that I want to leave more behind.  

I am sure some of you reading out there may read this and have all sorts of holes to blast through this.  For example, it isn’t your job to save the world!  I know, but I can’t shake this feeling and I am asking for prayer, clarity, and really…just felt the need to get it out there.

I think this reveals a lot about where we are as a church culture, and about my own personal spirituality.  Why is this such a hard thing?  Why doesn't this come naturally?  
All that to say, welcome to my current wrestling match.  Thoughts?


Timothy said...

I don't normally like to comment on a reverands blog not considering myself a good speaker, scolar, mature christian, etc but I felt compelled to speak...

So thoughts... You might be focusing on your individual efforts and missing the larger impact you have through your teen ministry.

I remember being in youth group age 14-16 and still harken back to some of the preaching I heard back then and can think of dicision points in my life that stem from those earlier messages.

That foundation I got helped me learn to rely on God while going through trials as an adult and has helped me witness multiple times to non-believers.

So I hear your desire to have more of an impact and am excited to see where God will take you with that and what he will do through you...

Adam said...

Thanks Tim. I don't want to belittle the work that God has done with the students, I actually look up to my former youth pastor Keith quite a bit for all of his work. You're right, there is a personal side to this. I am just trying to reconcile to two sides. How can I keep doing what I am doing...and yet reach out in a more effective way.

I really appreciate your input. Me being a reverend, really, changes nothing. I am good ol' Adam, impatient, free spirited, in need of being reeled in, so don't ever feel as though you don't have the freedom to share your thoughts. I love to hear other perspective.

emarkthomas said...

No holes to blast through this, only encouragement to continue down this line of thought. It really resonated with me as something extraordinarily... like Jesus. Each new line I read seemed to be so in line with recent thinking of my own on points similar to this that it really pricked my heart to comment; I want to do this exact thing myself and am in a very similar circumstance, I think. My prayer for us both is to have the courage to step forward, believing that God is who he says he is, and can do what he says he can do. That he's big enough to handle this, and that he will provide for us, even if it looks nothing like anything we ever imagined.

Also, I don't think it something that detracts or defames any or all work done until this point, only adds to it. I think it's a call to go further up and further in, to borrow C.S. Lewis' language from the last battle.

Also, it's a simple fact that some human beings DO become the ones that, to the glory of the Father, "save the world," or at least something that looks very similar to that in their community, region, or culture. I cannot see that there is anything wrong with aspiring to have a quiet, comfortable life in which you deeply affect your immediate community. But it seems to me that the people that made it into the pages of the Bible were the ones who asked the questions you asked in this post, and looked for God in something bigger, to the sacrifice of themselves and what the world says is wise.

Yeah, that last thought there just kind of came out.

Chew the meat and spit out the bones, Adam. I've been reading this blog for about a year now, and I always am very excited to read new posts. I'll be praying for you, my brother in Christ whom I've never met. Be blessed!

Adam said...

Thank you so much for your encouragement...I really appreciate it. Keep up the fight, keep searching, He will clear the path. Thanks again!