I sometimes wonder if I am incurable…
…I struggle with the same thing often, if it is something different, I find that it is similar. I wander around in my mind too often and wonder about things that are not important. Sometimes I wonder about things that are important but I have no ability to come to a conclusion on them.
I also find that I try…
…I try so much. I fail more than I like as well…
…and that is ok, or at least it should be.
I try to be a fairly gracious person, I love to show others grace as I have learned it from God and His Word.
I love grace. I love the process, concept, and availability that we have from God.
The problem I have, that is the reason I think I may be incurable is I don’t accept grace well. I feel like I have to do better, which in and of itself, is not that bad of a thing. However, when I fail, I fail, and I have resigned myself to be a failure in the matter as opposed to stopping and learning and realizing that God’s grace can cover me.
I find that I try to love God and live the life that He has for me in the flesh.
This is a problem, because that is impossible. It has been tried, tested, and no one succeeded in doing it.
We see from the creation of mankind that everyone failed. That’s why Christ was sent. So, what is my problem? Why do I naturally cling to this process?
Was it part of my upbringing? Sure, but there are a lot of things I was taught in my younger years that I have grown out of and learned better than.
Galatians 5 talks about our flesh warring against our Spirit, and I think that is where the rub is for me.
I was reading earlier from Romans 8 and, while I have read this numerous times, it finally opened up to me that the failure that I, along with everyone else leading up to Christ’s freedom, try to please God because it “seems” like the right thing to do.
How can I, of my own merit and ability, please God?
How can I even think I could?
So I fail again, right?
The fail isn’t in the thought that God can be pleased with me, the fail is in the thought that I can please Him by me doing the work. I don’t think I have worked through the process of turning myself over, entirely, to God. When I believe and have the faith (not only to salvation) to turn over everything in my life to God that releases His righteousness to take over all that is me. My righteouseness? No way, Isaiah 64 tells us that my righteousness is like filthy rags. Those filthy rags are most closely translated to mean a used feminine hygiene product, to put it kindly.
It must be His righteousness.
It cannot be my own, because my righteousness is foul to God. No matter how hard I try in my own power, I fail. However, if I turn myself over to Him, His righteousness enters and I am no longer my own but I am guided by His Spirit.
Spirit vs. Flesh
Flesh leads to guilt, Spirit leads to grace, and so I (according to Romans 8) must be turned over to the Spirit of Christ or else I am STILL (in 2011) living under the old law.
Romans 4 mentions Abraham (and his account of what happens in Genesis 15) and how Abraham's belief (or faith) that he would have a son when he was well past his child bearing years was counted to him as righteousness.
He did not have faith in his ability, in his flesh, but rather had faith in God to do that work that his flesh could not do.
He had faith that God could do the work.
And that was accounted to Him as righteousness.
I can say this over and over again…I can read it in His Word…I can feel His Spirit telling me this…
…and yet I still wrestle.
I have tasted the freedom, I feel it much more than I used to, but I still feel that I am in a fight with my inner self, at times, to let go of the Pharisaic tendencies that I have known for so long.
I know I am not a failure, I know that I am graciously allowed to be successful by His righteousness that I have received by faith. I know I am a child of the King…the hard part is living it out.