I have been reading a book called The Emotionally Healthy Church, a book that is much better than the name initially dictates, at least in my opinion. I was given the book to read by a friend and decided to start in on it. The book immediately started hitting some harmonizing chords with many of my thoughts. Of course, this drew me in further, and then, as most evaluating books, there was a quiz to see where you stand.
That was revealing.
When I tallied my score and then checked the paragraph long evaluation of my score I was in disbelief. The description that was before me was…me. It described me, my strengths, my weakness, my struggles, just about everything. While I didn’t like the title of my description, I couldn’t deny it.
I go into quizzes and evaluations with such high hopes and still come out the adolescent. I was hoping to come out the ‘Emotional Superman” (That wasn’t an option for the results BTW). I knew there were some emotional holes and things that I struggle with, but an adolescent? Those who know me know that I do struggle with being mature on a consistent basis, but for the most part I am mature at the proper times. This is what has led me on my recent time of self reflection.
Through this digging I have had to admit to things that have hurt me from my past that I had buried and counted it “done” on my checklist of life. I have had to look at different areas of my life and find the characteristics that are “adolescent” and explore why I am that way. I don’t like some of what I have found.
I have more pride in my life than I like to admit…or own up to.
This isn’t to say I lose who I am, my sense of humor, my wit (which I know you were all worried about), my personality. I just make sure that I don’t continue to make an excuse for the things that should be rectified in my life. I have already seen change, not by my ability. To be honest, the only way to see the matters that need changed in our lives (especially when you have buried them as deep as I have) is to pray that God would reveal the places where change is needed. It is an interesting experience when He begins that work in you.
It may happen when you are driving behind what you believe to be the biggest moron in the world.
It may happen when you see a muddy footprint on your freshly mopped kitchen floor.
It may happen when you make an ill thought through comment.
It may happen when you buy something frivolous.
It may happen when, you don’t forget to do something you know you should do, you just don’t do it.
It may happen in an extended stare at something you shouldn’t be staring at.
That isn’t to say you can never slip up, never buy something that you enjoy, or don’t take a rest instead of mowing the lawn. For me it was the realization of how often I don’t do what I am supposed to do and I explain it away. I don’t allow the Spirit of God to lead me. I default into my Veruca Salt mentality where I want what I want and “I want it now.”
So, if I am posing a challenge or at least trying to provoke you to think, I suppose my question to pose is, what is hiding in your heart? What have you deemed “dead” or checked off your checklist but maybe isn’t fully healed? If your heart and emotions were a physical ailment like a broken arm, would you only let God heal it part of the way and tell Him that is was good enough? Or would you want Him to heal it all the way? Maybe you have been in an abusive relationship previously, maybe someone broke your heart, maybe it was your parents, maybe it was a spouse, it may have been none of those things, but God wants to bring healing to your heart.
It is amazing to see how many ways a person can be hurt, but even more amazing is that no matter how you are hurt God can bring healing. You may find in this search that you may even need to seek professional counseling, sometimes it is necessary in this process, but there can be healing. For me, I just know that some of my actions that I display have a deeper root to my emotions. I want to be free in every way so that I can be available for God’s use. I don’t want my past hurts to linger, hurt me, or hinder my availability to what God has for me. Sure, God could still use me with my hurts (and I believe He has) but it is a great exercise in trust to let Him reveal them, I admit they hurt, confess that, and let Him do the work on me.
Through Him revealing the roots, He reveals His glory to me in a greater way by healing me.
I hope that today will be the beginning of a healing process for some of you.