Recently I have been struggling.
I mean it.
I have had a lot of things going on in my hamster wheel powered brain recently. With all the things going on in life, the thing I have been thinking about…well actually there are two things.
First, "the things I love…I can't convince you of." Those are lyrics from a Derek Webb song, & every since I heard them…I can't get them out of my head. I really don't go into great detail on here about a lot of my passions, my hearts cry, the things that makes me ache inside…have you ever wanted something so bad you absolutely ached for it?
I am not talking about wanting a stick of gum here…
I mean your insides seem to quiver at the sheer thought of (fill in the blank) happening, & yet it seems (at times) so far away. There are a lot of things, right now, that I am starting to feel very distant from, some of those things I feel like I am getting much closer to…some seems like I would have to swim the Pacific & walk across China to get to.
Imagine feeling so passionate about something, so driven, so hungry & not being able to have people sharing in that with you? Denise & I feel the same, & maybe a few others…but from there, if I share…it's almost like trying to convince someone of what I (personally) love… your closest friends, those whom you love, so many you care for...
...and maybe it was even your friends themselves.
It's kind of like convincing someone you are worthy of being married to.
Imagine me bartering with Denise before we got married. Trying to convince her that it was a good idea. First, if you know me, you know I wouldn't do that. If anything went wrong she would resent me, & what would become of our relationship if I couldn't fulfill all the things I bartered with? So, my point is what good is a convinced relationship as opposed to a true heart-felt, inside, guttural desire relationship?
I guess what it comes down to is, does my life make people want that true heart-felt, inside, guttural desire for the things I love & have that true heart-felt, inside, guttural desire that I have? That is a hard question to swallow, because what I see is a resounding, "No"… does that mean I have that true heart-felt, inside, guttural desire? I believe so…so what is going on?
This leads me to the second part.. When I started speaking, I had so many people tell me that there was something special there. I have no clue what it was, honestly. I have people that I am in contact with ministry-wise, just love to be around both Denise & I. Once again, I have no idea why…at least on my part. I still have people say there are big things in store for you, big, big things…& that is a nice stroke to the ego…but what does that mean? How far away am I? Could you translate "big" for me? I mean, what am I looking for here?
If there is something big, why do I feel so small? If small is big, then what effect is there on the populace? Isn't that the impact necessary? Why do I feel so far off the course? Why can't I find a map I can read? Why is there no outlet I can plug into? Why am I so frustrated about all of this? Does this happen to anyone else?
Man, I am weak.
A feeble man with a direction few understand.
Ahh sweet Sovereignty… to follow & understand Sovereignty…as a small, finite-minded, simpleton…truly a vain pondering.
So ponders the simpleMan…
So rambles the simpleMan.